I'm reading a book right now that asks you to remember your moments of realization or epiphany, as I've previously mentioned. I just only recently (I'm very slow sometimes), within the past year or two, realized that my birthmother Jackie really only intended to meet me once. A "one-off," if you will. Even though I realize my search is not a TV special.
Jackie never told me this, and she may not have even known it herself, but she never intended to have a relationship with me. Every once in a while we I would hear from her--usually around my birthday (that is a hard date for her to forget). She would promise to keep in touch and then I wouldn't hear from her. At this point it's actually been over two years. It's disappointing, but I think it's for the best. It's just not going to happen, and though that makes me sad, it's also freeing in some small way.
The picture is from the second--and last--time we met, ca. 10 years ago. Jackie's son Clark "tricked" us into meeting up at LAX. It was very awkward. I remember her telling me if I really wanted to know anything about Mike (my birthfather) that I should talk to Bob, her ex-husband. They had all been friends in high school. I.e: please don't ask *me* any more questions.
It's all inside me somewhere; it's part of me. I don't blame Jackie for what she did back then, but I know it has had an effect on who I am. I many good and bad ways.
2 comments:
You are so brave for sharing bits of this story with us. Hopefully the revelation of these "bits" will help in the unfolding and rewriting of your life narratives... Thank you for sharing it with us, BBeyes!
HAT, you are the best.
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