Thanksgiving memories

LT & GW on a boat.

Lots of food. Lots of movies. Lots of couch time. Monkey wearing a woolen poncho and not even caring.

Elise and Joe and Linda and Steve and Clay.

Two burned pies--but just on the top and everyone likes burned stuff anyway.

Hey You Turkeys

Yesterday was busy. Had a job interview. Negotiated a freelance job. Had my nails done, went to the bank with Mo to add him to my bank accounts. Shopped. Made pastry. Made filling. Had dinner.

Got up at 5:30 this a.m. so we can drive to San Francisco.

Gobble gobble!

on a lighter note

We just got the official wedding photos--the raw data, the unretouched, un-photoshopped pics. Woo! More will be posted soon on http://www.bethmo.net/

Here I am with Linda signing the docs that makes it all official.

epiphanic moments

I'm reading a book right now that asks you to remember your moments of realization or epiphany, as I've previously mentioned. I just only recently (I'm very slow sometimes), within the past year or two, realized that my birthmother Jackie really only intended to meet me once. A "one-off," if you will. Even though I realize my search is not a TV special.

Jackie never told me this, and she may not have even known it herself, but she never intended to have a relationship with me. Every once in a while we I would hear from her--usually around my birthday (that is a hard date for her to forget). She would promise to keep in touch and then I wouldn't hear from her. At this point it's actually been over two years. It's disappointing, but I think it's for the best. It's just not going to happen, and though that makes me sad, it's also freeing in some small way.

The picture is from the second--and last--time we met, ca. 10 years ago. Jackie's son Clark "tricked" us into meeting up at LAX. It was very awkward. I remember her telling me if I really wanted to know anything about Mike (my birthfather) that I should talk to Bob, her ex-husband. They had all been friends in high school. I.e: please don't ask *me* any more questions.

It's all inside me somewhere; it's part of me. I don't blame Jackie for what she did back then, but I know it has had an effect on who I am. I many good and bad ways.

#9 Dream

I've woken up two mornings in a row with this John Lennon song in my head, so might as well post it here. This is from "Walls and Bridges." It may have something to do with my writing. Or my mental state. Or maybe I just like it a lot.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

So long ago
Was it in a dream, was it just a dream?
I know, yes I know
Seemed so very real, it seemed so real to me

Took a walk down the street
Thru the heat whispered trees
I thought I could hear (hear, hear, hear)
Somebody call out my name as it started to rain

Two spirits dancing so strange

Ah! böwakawa poussé, poussé
Ah! böwakawa poussé, poussé
Ah! böwakawa poussé, poussé

Dream, dream away
Magic in the air, was magic in the air?
I believe, yes I believe
More I cannot say, what more can I say?

On a river of sound
Thru the mirror go round, round
I thought I could feel (feel, feel, feel)
Music touching my soul, something warm, sudden cold
The spirit dance was unfolding

Ah! böwakawa poussé, poussé
Ah! böwakawa poussé, poussé
Ah! böwakawa poussé, poussé

Trial by Existence

And God has taken a flower of gold
And broken it, and used therefrom
The mystic link to find and hold
Spirit to matter till death come.

from "The Trial by Existence," Robert Frost

Relative Choices

There is a series of articles/blogs in The New York Times about adoption. Some of them really made me cry into my morning espresso con panna, but they are uplifting too.

http://relativechoices.blogs.nytimes.com/

As adopted people we never lose the desire to connect with something that was taken away from us, even if we are happy in our present lives. Personally I find myself often trying to imagine what happened to me in those "in-between" days--the days, about one week, after Jackie (birthmother) had given me up, but I hadn't yet been collected by Durfee & Warren (adoptive parents).

I am very blessed because I have found my birthmother, and even though we don't have a relationship, I know who she is, where she is, and a little of her story. I also connected with a wonderful sister and brother on my birthfather's side. And my adoptive family understood my need for this search. I'm lucky.

I'm re-reading a book about sacred contracts, and the author (Caroline Myss) asks you to think about epiphanic moments in your life. When did you hear that voice in your head telling you what you needed to do with your life? I remember clearly an experience I had after I had "found" Jackie. I was on the 405 freeway headed towards UCLA. I was still really itching to go to the Mormon Library and search--for what? Or whom? It was all over, right? I said "It's over." The voice said "No it isn't."

kids don't eat persimmons!

Kid Party: The Aftermath

Step-mother-hood

Being a stepmom is hard. It is hella hard; it's the hardest thing I've ever done. It is harder than finding your birthmother. It is harder than being lonely and single and despairing; it is harder than having found someone. It is harder than moving from Atlanta to San Francisco. It's all about the multiple relationships, you see. How they need to be separate and yet everyone needs to be communicating about everything all the time. Mo and I have a relationship that developed; Mavis didn't really have a choice about me being here. And to build a relationship with her is something that can only happen over a long period of time. I know this--I have my own stepmother.



There don't seem to be any more independent decisions. I know that when I was single I had more free time, that time was my own, or at the very least I had the *illusion* of that. Of course it wasn't true. But know of course sometimes the parent thing takes precedence over things I want to do. It's really hard sometimes. I believe this is all in the range of normal, but still.

Of course there are fun moments too. Like playing Scrabble, and talking about school, and making pies, and playing funny games on the computer. And today Mavis "took" us to see "Across the Universe," which she had seen before but wanted us to see so she'd have someone else to talk about it with. It was actually very good, a lot better than I thought it would be. And a kid who loves The Beatles--how bad can that be?

Come on, they think you're a writer!

HAT says, and I agree, that I should write about my trip to Turkey and Europe that I made earlier this year. At the risk of sounding verrrrry hackneyed, trite, and banal, you learn a lot when you travel. And I am not just talking about historical monuments. Perhaps it's because I'm an INFJ and my tendency is to look inward, but I'm just going to say it: you learn more about the people you're with than you do about the countryside or the buildings. But hey, that's just me.

So Hoang-Anh, don't worry. I've got some ideas. Naturally they are all fiction and would be much more interesting than what really happened.

Here's a pic of Liisa and me at Carcassone, visiting the (recreated) medieval walled city. We are eating panini. They were good. We had just lugged our suitcases up a cobblestone-paved hill. So much fun! I later realized that Minas Tirith must have been based on this fortified city. You could buy replicas of Aragorn's sword (The blade that was reforged! Anduril! The Flame of the West!) at a gift shop there. Oh yikes.). But it was beautiful anyway, despite the whiff of Disneyland that it had about it.

Orange is the new black

Lovely. Do I have to even say anything about this? Okay, I will.

Mo's friend Jane bought persimmons (which I normally despise) and artfully arranged them in this bowl. We talked about bare persimmon trees in the fall, what an image, black branches drooping with blazing orange fruit. And how my dad would leave persimmons to ripen on the windowsill until they were almost rotten. And how my mom made persimmon cookies that I was never fond of.

Then Jane made a salad and sliced up some of these persimmons which are the crunchy kind. Even though I don't like them I ate some just for her. They are not as cloyingly sweet but still I think I'd rather look at this gorgeous photo instead of eating one again.

Abject Constancy

I haven't written in so long I forgot I had named this blog "Object Constancy." How ironic. You know...because...it's almost like I had forgotten this blog was here since I never write...okay, this is a lame comparison.

Getting over a bout of illness: I had a cold and cystitis at the same time. Woo! That was fun. I actually went to the free clinic of (my) choice on Monday. Good news: in addition to getting the medication that I so desperately needed, I found out I don't have gonorrhea or chlamydia. Go me!

The wedding is over and done with. It wasn't perfect, but we made it through and got married. That's the important part. Now where is the adjustment?

I live in Echo Park and I fit right in because I have a big ass. I usually get at least one "Hola, mi amor!" per day when I go for a walk. Isn't that nice.

Haven't had a pedicure in 2 months. Bikini/leg wax: don't even ask. Mo says he doesn't care, but is that just his way of being nice?

I am ovulating today. Gotta tell someone!

Need to write more. I am sensing that, yes. Also need to find a job and meet some new L.A.-type friends.